I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
