There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I love having hate sex.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
