i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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