why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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