remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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