he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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