Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Randomize