I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
