she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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