idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
