The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
