trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize