You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize