this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
