This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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