Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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