If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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