I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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