Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
