I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
