if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
