The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
