first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
