all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I checked into jail on foursquare
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
