I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize