Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
