Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
