Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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