i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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