I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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