Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
