Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
