I can text with my tongue
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
