Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I supernannyed him into submission
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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