Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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