Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
