Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
