His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
