Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
