I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
