We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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