he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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