just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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