her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
