just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
