Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
