Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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