You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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