who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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