I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
