gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
