how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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