I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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