Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
