ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Actions speak louder than pants.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
