I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
