When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize