So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
