I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
